Communication, Lesson 1-A with J Douglas

Audio File Lesson 1-A

Working through Communication

Prayer for Your Relationship!

Notes : Opening Exercise: Recognizing Your Strengths

Look at your spouse as you did when you were dating. The purpose of this exercise is to help you recognize what you bring to the relationship and to hear what your spouse values about you.

Partner One speaks for two minutes. Look into your spouse’s eyes and explain why you believe you are a good partner. Consider the qualities you bring to the relationship, how you show love, kindness, and respect, how you support and encourage your spouse, how you demonstrate commitment to your marriage, and how faith in God helps you become a better spouse.

The listening spouse should not interrupt, correct, or criticize. Then switch roles and give Partner Two two minutes to speak while Partner One listens attentively.

Finally, take two minutes for appreciation. Each spouse completes the sentence: “One quality I truly appreciate about you is ______ because ______.”

Ephesians 4:2 (KJV): “With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love.”

Commitment: “I will recognize the good qualities God has given me, use them to strengthen our marriage, and continue growing into the partner my spouse needs.” The complete exercise takes six minutes. Healthy marriages grow as partners recognize their strengths, appreciate one another, and choose to express love through their actions.

Understanding Our Relationship Programming

We all come into relationships with patterns learned from the people who raised us. That might have been parents, grandparents, an aunt or uncle, or a single parent. I call this our “programming.” Some of that programming may have been good, but even good beginnings do not automatically teach us how to build a healthy marriage.

As Christians, we need to allow Jesus Christ to change patterns that are damaging our relationships. I came from a great family, yet my marriage ended after twenty-eight years. I discovered that knowing someone for years does not necessarily mean understanding how that person thinks, responds, or changes over time.

One of the most important lessons I have learned as a chaplain is that healthy relationships must be learned. We were not simply programmed at birth to know how to communicate, resolve conflict, or care for another person’s needs. The encouraging news is that patterns can change.

In counseling, I have met people who believed marriage itself would change a partner’s harmful behavior. It is not a spouse’s job to remake the other person. I remember a woman who told me her husband was physically hurting her. She said the abuse had also happened while they were dating, but she expected marriage to change him. It did not. Harmful behavior must be taken seriously; marriage is not a cure for abuse. Safety and appropriate professional support are essential.

I want couples to grow beyond the relationship patterns that brought them into difficulty. People sometimes ask me to take them back to how things were when they first fell in love. My response is that we should aim for something healthier than the old patterns, not simply return to them. With faith, willingness, and practice, couples can learn new ways of relating.

Love Based Relationships.com

Exercise: Why I Am a Good Partner

Purpose: Help couples recognize their strengths, appreciate one another, and build confidence in their relationship.

Step 1: Partner One Speaks (2 Minutes)

Look into your spouse’s eyes and explain why you believe you are a good partner. Consider these questions:

What qualities do I bring to our relationship?

How do I show you love, kindness, and respect?

What do I do to support and encourage you?

How do I demonstrate my commitment to our marriage?

How does my faith in God help me become a better spouse?

Listening spouse: Listen without interrupting, correcting, or criticizing.

Step 2: Switch Roles (2 Minutes)

The second spouse explains why they believe they are a good partner. The first spouse listens attentively without interrupting.

Step 3: Appreciation (2 Minutes)

Each spouse completes: “One quality I truly appreciate about you is __________ because __________.”

My appreciation for you: ______________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________

Your appreciation for me: ____________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________

Biblical Principle — Ephesians 4:2 (KJV)

“With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love.”

Commitment

“I will recognize the good qualities God has given me, use them to strengthen our marriage, and continue growing into the partner my spouse needs.”

Total Exercise Time: 6 Minutes

Remember: A healthy marriage grows when both partners recognize their strengths, appreciate each other, and choose to love through their actions.

Discovering Each Partner’s Greatest Needs

In His Needs, Her Needs, the author discusses the importance of learning what matters most to a husband and a wife. One example is recreational companionship: sharing activities and spending enjoyable time together. Couples do not have to like every identical activity, but they can look for things they both enjoy.

The principle is simple: do not assume your spouse needs the same things you do. Ask. The needs that are most important to one person may not be the same for the other, and they may change over time.

Exercise: My Five Greatest Needs in Our Relationship. Each partner privately identifies five priorities from this list: love and affection; respect and appreciation; quality time; emotional connection and understanding; honest communication; trust and faithfulness; physical intimacy; encouragement and support; financial stability; shared faith and spiritual growth; help with household responsibilities; friendship; feeling valued; forgiveness and grace; emotional safety; shared goals; personal space; fun and adventure; and commitment and reassurance.

Choose the five that matter most to you, rank them, and explain why each is important. Then tell your spouse what meeting that need would look like in practical terms. Listen to your partner’s list without assuming that a different need is a wrong need.

If your spouse does not know what you need, they may not know how to respond. Saying what you need is a beginning, but it also helps to explain what meeting that need would look like. Some people need concrete examples. Others may find it difficult to explain their feelings immediately. Be patient and keep asking respectful questions.

Workshop

Workshop Exercise 2: Our Greatest Needs in a Relationship

Love Based Relationships.com

Theme: Understanding What Makes Your Partner Feel Loved

Total Time: 20–25 Minutes

Scripture: Philippians 2:4 (KJV)

“Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.”

Purpose

Every person has emotional, physical, spiritual, and relational needs. Your spouse may have needs that are very different from yours.

A healthy relationship begins when both partners learn to communicate their needs clearly, listen without judgment, and make an effort to understand one another.

Remember: Your partner cannot be expected to read your mind. Learning to express your needs is an important part of building a loving relationship.

Step 1: Identify Your Greatest Needs

Time: 5 Minutes

Individually, review the following relationship needs. Choose the five that matter most to you.

• Love and affection

• Respect and appreciation

• Quality time together

• Emotional connection and understanding

• Honest and open communication

• Trust and faithfulness

• Physical intimacy and closeness

• Encouragement and support

• Financial security and stability

• Shared faith and spiritual growth

• Help with household responsibilities

• Friendship and companionship

• Feeling valued and important

• Forgiveness and grace

• Peace and emotional safety

• Shared goals and dreams

• Freedom and personal space

• Fun, laughter, and adventure

• Commitment and reassurance

• Other: ______________________

Step 2: Rank Your 5 Greatest Needs

Time: 3 Minutes

Write your five most important needs in order, beginning with the most important.

Rank	My Greatest Relationship Needs
1	______________________________
2	______________________________
3	______________________________
4	______________________________
5	______________________________

Complete this statement:

“My most important relationship need is __________ because __________.”

Step 3: Tell Your Partner About Your Needs

Time: 6 Minutes — 3 Minutes Each

Sit facing your partner and make comfortable eye contact.

Partner 1 speaks for three minutes.

Explain:

1. What are my five greatest needs?
2. Why is each need important to me?
3. How do I feel when these needs are met?
4. How do I feel when these needs are not met?
5. What specific actions would help you meet these needs?

Partner 2 listens without interrupting, arguing, criticizing, or offering unsolicited advice.

After three minutes, switch roles.

Step 4: Repeat Back What You Heard

Time: 4 Minutes — 2 Minutes Each

Practice the Speaker–Listener Technique.

The listening partner begins:

“Let me make sure I understand what you are telling me.”

Then explain, in your own words:

• What you believe your partner’s greatest needs are.
• Why those needs are important.
• What your partner would like you to do.
• How your partner hopes to feel when those needs are met.

Ask:

“Did I understand you correctly?”

The speaking partner may clarify anything that was misunderstood.

Remember: The purpose is understanding, not defending yourself or fixing everything immediately.

Switch roles.

Step 5: Make a Loving Commitment

Time: 4 Minutes

Each partner chooses one practical action they can take during the coming week to help meet one of their spouse’s greatest needs.

Partner 1 Commitment

“One thing I will do this week to help meet your needs is:”

Partner 2 Commitment

“One thing I will do this week to help meet your needs is:”

Discussion Questions

1. Did your partner’s five greatest needs surprise you?
2. Which needs do you share?
3. Which needs are different?
4. Have you been trying to show love in ways that are less meaningful to your partner?
5. What can you change to help your partner feel more loved, respected, and understood?

Biblical Foundation

1 Corinthians 13:4 (KJV)

“Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up.”

Galatians 6:2 (KJV)

“Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.”

Closing Commitment

Read together:

“We understand that our relationship needs may be different. We commit to listening with patience, communicating with honesty, and treating each other’s needs with love and respect.

We will not expect our partner to read our mind. Instead, we will explain our needs clearly and help each other understand how to meet them.

With God’s guidance, we will continue learning how to love one another as Christ has loved us.”

At-Home Assignment

During the next seven days:

• Practice the commitment you made to your partner.
• Ask your partner whether your actions are helping.
• Thank your partner for their efforts.
• Discuss your progress together at the end of the week.

Remember: Meeting your partner’s needs should be a loving choice, not a demand. Both partners’ boundaries, dignity, and well-being matter.

Love Based Relationships.com

Better Communication • Stronger Relationships • A Brighter Future

A Common Complaint: “Men Don’t Listen”

One complaint I have frequently heard in relationship counseling is, “Men don’t listen.” My experience is that couples can hear the same words and still understand different messages. Sometimes the problem is not that a person never spoke, but that the message was not understood.

I remember counseling a couple who were becoming upset with each other. I asked the wife to tell me what she wanted her husband to understand. I then restated her message in terms he could follow. He said, “She’s never said that before.” She replied, “I’ve told him that a thousand times.” Both were describing their experience honestly. The lesson is that repeating the same message may not help if the listener does not understand what is meant.

We should avoid assuming our partners can read our minds. If you want something, explain it. If you are unsure what your partner means, ask. Understanding is not always immediate, but it can be learned.

The Speaker–Listener Technique

The speaker–listener technique gives each person a turn to speak and be heard. Some couples use a small object—a tile, pen, or other item—to show who has the floor. The object is only a reminder; the important rule is that one person speaks while the other listens.

The speaker should speak for themselves, not claim to know what their partner is thinking. Keep the message brief, ideally two or three minutes, and describe one concern or need clearly.

The listener’s task is to paraphrase. Say, “Let me see if I understood you correctly,” and then restate the message in your own words. Do not attempt to repeat every word. Explain what you heard and give the speaker a chance to clarify.

If the speaker says, “That is not quite what I meant,” listen again. Keep going until the speaker agrees that you understand. The listener is not there to rebut, judge, criticize, or solve the problem during this stage.

Many of us want to offer solutions before the other person has finished talking. I have seen a husband give immediate advice when his wife was describing trouble with someone at work. By the next day the relationship at work had improved, and he felt frustrated that his advice had not been used. But she may have needed understanding more than a solution. Unless advice is requested or there is a safety concern, begin by listening.

After the listener paraphrases and the speaker confirms understanding, the couple can switch roles. Both partners should have a chance to express what they feel and what they need.

When Communication Becomes Difficult

Sometimes a conversation becomes too emotional for either person to speak or listen well. In that situation, a brief, agreed-upon time-out can help. Say something like: “I am too upset to communicate well right now. Can we take fifteen minutes to calm down and then return to this?”

The key is to return. I have heard many spouses say that “we will talk later” becomes a way of never addressing the issue. Agree on a specific time and keep that commitment. If fifteen minutes is not enough, make another clear agreement rather than disappearing or abandoning the conversation.

Do not use walking away as a way to punish or dismiss your partner. At the same time, if a conversation becomes threatening or unsafe, creating distance and seeking safety takes priority over continuing the discussion.

Choose an appropriate time and place for difficult conversations. I have heard complaints about starting serious discussions in bed when both people are exhausted. Instead, agree on a time when both partners are rested and able to give the issue their attention.

Our goal is for each person to feel heard and seen. If we grew up around shouting or silence, we may have learned to respond in the same way. Those habits can be changed through practice.

Anger, Blame, and Taking Responsibility

Another pattern I have encountered is a person listening, becoming angry, and blaming the other spouse for bringing up the issue. I remember a time in my first marriage when my wife questioned me about something I did not want to admit. I turned the discussion around until she apologized, even though she was right and I was wrong.

That kind of blame prevents honest communication. If you struggle with anger, seek help from someone trustworthy and qualified who can help you understand what is happening and learn healthier responses. Do not use anger to intimidate or silence your spouse.

Children notice how adults communicate. They learn from our tone, reactions, apologies, and treatment of one another. We need to consider the example we set, especially when conflict arises.

Silence and withdrawal can also be hurtful. If a partner shares something important and the listener says nothing or walks away without a plan to return, the speaker may feel that neither they nor their concern matters. Real listening communicates respect.

Love Based Relationships.com

Better Communication • Stronger Relationships • A Brighter Future

EXERCISE: THE SPEAKER–LISTENER TECHNIQUE

Purpose: Help couples listen to understand, communicate needs clearly, and discuss difficult topics without interrupting or criticizing.

Total exercise time: 10–12 minutes | Materials: A small object to represent “the floor” (optional)

STEP 1 — PARTNER ONE SPEAKS (2 MINUTES)

The speaker holds “the floor.” Speak for yourself using “I” statements. Share one feeling, concern, or relationship need. Keep your message brief; do not assume you know what your partner thinks.

Suggested starter: “I feel __________ when __________, and what I need is __________.”

STEP 2 — LISTENER PARAPHRASES (2 MINUTES)

The listener does not interrupt, defend, criticize, or offer solutions. Repeat the meaning you heard in your own words, then ask whether you understood correctly.

Suggested starter: “What I hear you saying is __________. Did I understand you?”

The speaker clarifies as needed; the listener paraphrases again until the speaker feels understood.

STEP 3 — SWITCH ROLES (4 MINUTES)

Partner Two becomes the speaker and shares one feeling, concern, or need. Partner One listens and paraphrases. Keep the same rules: one speaker at a time, brief statements, and understanding before problem-solving.

STEP 4 — APPRECIATION & COMMITMENT (2–4 MINUTES)

Each partner finishes: “I felt heard when you __________.”

Together decide on one small action to improve communication this week.

Our action this week: ____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

SPEAKER RULES

• Hold the floor. • Speak for yourself. • Keep statements brief. • Avoid mind-reading.

LISTENER RULES

• Paraphrase what you hear. • Focus on understanding. • Do not rebut, criticize, or fix.

WHEN EMOTIONS RUN HIGH

Agree to pause for about 15 minutes, then return at a specific time. Do not use a break to avoid the conversation indefinitely. If either partner feels unsafe, prioritize safety over continuing the exercise.

BIBLICAL PRINCIPLE — JAMES 1:19 (KJV)

“Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:”

CLOSING COMMITMENT

“I will listen to understand before I respond, speak with kindness, and make time for my partner to feel heard.”

Remember: Listening is not the same as agreeing. It is showing your partner that their words matter.

The Christian Foundation: Love One Another

Jesus gave his followers a new commandment: “Love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another” (John 13:34, KJV). This teaching is central to the way we should treat our spouses and families.

When I reflect on the patience God has shown me, I am amazed by how much love and grace I have received. I know my own faults and mistakes, yet God has been patient with me. That should change the way I respond to other people.

We are called to love one another with patience and care. In marriage, that means listening before judging, taking responsibility when we are wrong, learning what our partner needs, and treating one another with dignity.

Our relationship patterns do not have to define our future. We can learn to communicate with greater understanding and to love in ways that reflect the love Christ has shown us.